I have this very strange feeling inside of me. It is almost a lack of feeling. I wonder what could possibly cause a human to feel (or not feel) this way.
I guess a big part of it is the ongoing process of questioning who I am. We all question things, especially 20-somethings bouncing around in college. What is all of this life really all about? Are we meant to go somewhere specific or just float along into the endless nothingness that can be our lives. I wonder about things like my geography. Am I really supposed to be sitting in an apartment in Charleston, South Carolina or was I meant to be somewhere entirely different. Was I meant to be in Burlington, Vermont, freezing my feet off? Was I meant to be in Oxford, Ohio and Miami University? Or maybe University of Massachusetts? The truth is I would like to say no. I think destiny brought me where I am today, but I wonder where it is taking me next.
I feel as though my life has gone ways I hardly ever expected. I have watched the seasons change, the leaves, fall. I have seen people come into our world and others leave it, but I still don’t completely understand. What real are our lives? Is the purpose love, joy, possessions, success, progressive, spirituality? What is it all really about and who can really tell us? Or maybe it is up to us.
During various parts of my life, I have thought that life was about different things. There have been times in my life where I have thought the purpose (or eventual purpose for me) would be almost entirely to provide for a family. How I felt? Who cares, my life was to make sure my family had exactly what they needed. As much as this seems ideal, I feel a bit greedy in not wanting this. This to me used to seem like the ideal life of success.
Today I can imagine myself in a completely different way. I have learned more about myself and understand that success for me will not be measured in dollars and cents the way I always used to worry it would. It will be measured in smiles, happiness, joy, hugs, kisses, handshakes, funny faces, birthdays, anniversaries (I can only hope), and so much more.
I used to think of myself in the future in a suit, talking away on a cell phone at 300 miles per hour trying to think about the next client, but I want my life to be more than that. I want my life to be about my family, my profession, and my happiness. I want to see the leaders of the future succeed at universities the way I feel like I have.
I guess the nothingness I feel is caused because I am being tugged in two different directions. The rest of my life is right around the corner while College is still right in front of me. I don’t necessarily want to leave, but that time is going to come and I will have little choice, but to move along and start the rest of my life.
Eventually, I’ll have a family and I hope my kids are smart enough to understand that in the end, the mighty dollar controls a lot, but there is a lot more to life than the pursuit of the dollar. I hope this whole thing didn’t sound too cynical, but that is just how I feel.